Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar.
His first friend says: I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine.
His second friend says: I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine.
Paddy says: I think my wife is having an affair with a horse. Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.
No, I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed.
A jeweller watched as a huge truck pulled up in front of his store. The back came down and an elephant walked out. It broke one of the windows with its tusk and then, using its trunk like a vacuum cleaner sucked up all of the jewellery. The elephant then got back in the truck and it disappeared out of sight.
When the jeweller finally regained his senses he called the police. The detectives came and he told them his story.
Could you describe the elephant the cop asked.
An elephant is an elephant, he replied. You've seen one you've seen them all. What do you mean 'describe' him
Well, said the policeman, there are two types of elephants, African and Indian. The Indian elephant has smaller ears and is not as large as the African elephant.
I can't help you out, said the frustrated jeweller, he had a stocking pulled over his head.
(Q) How do you confuse a Irish man?
(A) Put him in a round room and tell him to piss in the corner.
Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching the telly when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling, You sign! You sign! Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder. You sign! You sign!
Nelson says to him, Look mate, you've obviously got the wrong bloke. Push off, and shuts the door in his face. The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling,
You sign! You sign!
Mr. Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he shoves the little Chinese man back, shouting: Look, push off! You've got the wrong bloke! I don't want them! Then he slams the door in his face again. The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again.
On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusts a clipboard under his nose, shouting You sign! You sign! Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts.
This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him; Look, I don't want these! Do you understand You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?
The little Chinese man looks at him very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says: You not Nissan Maindealer?
(Q) What do you call a man with a cow and a pig on his head?
(A) Moohamed.
(Q) Did you hear about the blind man who got a cheese grater for Christmas?
(A) He said it was the most violent book he'd ever read!
A man walks into his doctors. The doctor asks the man why he is there. The man replies, It's my penis, I would like you to take a look at it. The doctor says, Very well then, if you get up onto the bed and get it out I'll have a look for you.
The man jumps up onto the bed and produces a 12-incher from his underpants. After about five minutes examining it, the bemused doctor says, I have to say, I can't see anything wrong with it. To which the man replies, I know, it's a fucking beauty, eh!
6. As soon as you have one, a better one is just around the corner.
5. No one but the creator understands the internal logic.
4. Even the smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.
3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else
2. The message bad command or file name is about as informative as if you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you.
1. And the number one reason is: As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay cheque on accessories for it.
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
An Australian was walking down a country road in New Zealand, when he happened to glance over the fence and see a farmer going' at it with a sheep.
The Aussie is quite taken aback by this, so he climbs the fence and walks over to the farmer.
He taps him on the shoulder and says, You know mate, back home, we shear those! The New Zealander looks frantically around and says, I'm not bloody Shearing this with no one!
Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbour peered over the fence.
Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely asked, What are you up to there, Nancy?
My goldfish died, replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, and I've just buried him.
The neighbour was concerned, That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?
Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, That's because he's inside your fucking cat.
Actual Answering Machine Messages Recorded and Verified By The World Famous International Institute of Answering Machine Messages:
10. My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.
9. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity at the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and home phone number and they will get back to you.
8. This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your number, and your reason for calling.... and I'll think about returning your call.
7. Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
6. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my bank, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have LOTS of money.
5. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So, leave a message.
4. Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a sexy message, I'll call sooner.
3. Hi. Now YOU say something.
2. Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
And the Number 1 Actual Answering Machine Message Recorded and Verified by The World Famous International Institute of Answering Machine Messages.
1. Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth, we'll call you back.
A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife liked to read.
One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. Although she wasn't familiar with the lake, the wife decided to take the boat. She rowed out a short distance, anchored, and returned to reading her book.
Along came the sheriff in his boat. He pulled up alongside her and said, Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing
Reading my book, She replied...as she thought to herself, duh-isn't it obvious
You're in a restricted fishing area, he informed her.
But officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that
Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.
If you do that, I'll have to charge you with rape, snapped the irate woman.
But, I haven't even touched you, groused the sheriff.
Yes, that's true, she replied, 'but you do have all the equipment'.
1. You can convince yourself that you're not a hooligan, everyone else is!
2. You get to see your mother's Tits hanging out, on a Bognor Regis Uncovered TV programme on Sky One.
3. You can write the definitive guide to Jails around the world.
4. You can invade somebody's land, and call it an Empire, and then call the natives Terrorists when they fight back.
5. You get to invent most sports, and then be crap at them.
6. You get to call people from Ulster British when they win, and then disown them when they lose.
7. You get to take all the credit for winning 2 World wars, even though your most celebrated WW2 event, was swimming home across the Channel with your tail between your legs.
8. You get to have a German as your queen.
9. You have really cheap nights out, because you can't hold your drink, and the Police usually give you a lift home.
10. All the members of your Royal family will never have to be embalmed, as they're full of gin.
1. You get to be World Champions at the games you invent.
2. You get welcomed everywhere you go, except in England, where you're assumed to be a thick, drunken member of the IRA.
3. You get to produce a show about Irish dancing and then make millions flogging it to the unsuspecting rest.
4. You can get arrested for taping a piece of Marzipan to the underneath of somebody's car.
5. You can hold your drink.
6. You get to choose athletes from all around the world for your national teams.
7. You make the best alcoholic drinks in the world.
8. You get to support a Scottish team who want to be Irish.
9. You get to enjoy the crack without being arrested from possession of an illegal substance.
10. You're not English!
1. You've got to be having a laugh, haven't you?
1. You ain't English!
2. You ain't English!
3. You ain't English!
4. You ain't English!
5. You ain't English!
6. You ain't English!
7. You ain't English!
8. You ain't English!
9. You ain't English!
10. You ain't English!
1. You can have a woman president without electing her.
2. You can spell colour wrong and get away with it.
3. You can call Budweiser beer.
4. You can be a crook and still be president.
5. If you've got enough money you can get elected to do anything.
6. If you can breathe you can get a gun.
7. You get to be really obese.
8. You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever made and nobody seems to care.
9. You get to call everyone you've never met buddy.
10. You can think you're the greatest nation on earth with a condom on.
1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10.
Ok, give them a second chance.
1. Oktoberfest.
2. Okotberfest-beer.
3. BMW.
4. VW.
5. Audi.
6. Mercedes.
7. On a highway you can travel at a speed that would bring you to jail in any other country of the world.
8. You do not have to learn German as a foreign language.
9. You think Sauerkraut is delicious.
10. Contrary to common belief laughing is not forbidden by law (yet).
1. In-depth knowledge of bizarre pasta shapes.
2. Unembarrassed to wear fur.
3. No need to worry about tax returns.
4. Glorious military history prior to 400BC.
5. Can wear sunglasses inside.
6. Political stability.
7. Flexible working hours.
8. Live near the Pope.
9. Can spend hours braiding girlfriend's armpit hair.
10. Country run by Sicilian murderers.
1. When speaking fast you can make yourself sound gay.
2. Experience the joy of winning the World Cup for the first time
3. You get to eat insect food like snails and frog's legs.
4. If there's a war you can surrender really early.
5. You don't have to read the subtitles on those late night films on Channel 4.
6. You can test your own nuclear weapons in other countries.
7. You can be ugly and still become a famous film star.
8. Allow Germans to march up and down your most famous street humiliating your sense of national pride.
9. You don't have to bother with toilets, just shit in the street.
10. People think you're a great lover even when you're not.
1. Know your great grand dad was a murdering bar steward that no civilized nation on earth wanted.
2. Fosters Lager.
3. Dispossess Aborigines who have lived in your country for 40,000 years because you think it belongs to you.
4. Cricket captain not afraid to cry live on TV.
5. Tact and sensitivity.
6. Bondi Beach.
7. Other beaches.
8. Liberated attitude to homosexuals.
9. Drinking cold lager on the beach.
10.Having a bit of a swim and then drink some cold lager on the beach.
1. Chicken Madras.
2. Lamb Passanda.
3. Onion Bhaji.
4. Bombay Potato.
5. Chicken Tikka Masala.
6. Rogan Josh.
7. Poppadoms.
8. Chicken Dopiasa.
9. Kingfisher lager.
10. Aggravate everyone else by shaking your head when talking.
1. You get to speak three languages, but none of them intelligibly.
2. If other countries want to fight a war, they will do it in your country.
3. You can brew drinks out of fruit, and still call it beer.
4. You are either.....
4. a. Like the Dutch, just less efficient 4.b. Like the French, 4.c. Like the Germans
5. Decent fries. Real mayonnaise. Great chocolate. The best beer.
6. No one knows anything about you, except for the Dutch and French and they make fun of you.
6.7. More scandals in a week than any other country in a decade.
8. You can drive like a maniac on the road and nobody cares.
9. All your famous countrymen are either imaginary, or sex-offenders.
10. Face it. It's not really a country, is it?
1. You get to shout about your culture although the only real culture most Greeks have is what is growing between their toes.
2. The police are even more corrupt than the criminals they are supposed to be chasing.
3. You can blow your nose in the street by pinching it between the thumb and forefinger and trumpeting forth without everyone around retching their stomach contents up at the sight.
4. Old women can sport moustaches.
5. Young women can sport moustaches.
6. Men can be hairier than the average grizzly bear and not get put in a zoo.
7. You get to call the bouzouki a musical instrument when the rest of the world sees it as an instrument of torture.
8. You are the only nation to have lost its marbles and still wants to let everyone else around the world know about it.
9. Ridiculous bureaucracy.
10. Nana Mouskouri and Demis Roussos.
1. You can get arrested for growing plants, but not for smoking them.
2. You can make jokes about the Belgians and still drink their beer.
3. a. You can legally kill yourself 3.b. You can legally be killed.
4. You're exactly like the Germans, except that nobody hates you.
5. You think you are a world power, but everyone else thinks Copenhagen is your capital...
6. You get to insult people and defend yourself by saying it's a national tradition.
7. You can put your finger in a dyke and it will save your country.
8. You live in the most densely populated country in Europe, and still you've never seen your neighbours.
9. If the economy is bad, blame the Germans. If a war is started, blame the Germans. If you lose your keys, blame the Germans.
10. Bikes are public property. Locks are a challenge.
1. You get to pay the highest taxes in the world.
2. You can kill baby seals and eat Rudolf the Reindeer.
3. You live in total freezing darkness half the year and get 24-hour ozone-hole radiation the other half.
4. You can get capital punishment for smoking dope.
5. You can go skiing in your knickers.
6. You get to hate the Swedes and beat the Brazilians in football.
7. You have to be a woman to get anywhere.
8. You don't need to worry about land prices rocketing - it's fairly spacious.
9. When abroad you can impress people you meet with stories about killing polar bears and shagging penguins - and they believe you.
10. You can actually get bored with blondes.
1. Glorious history of killing South American tribes.
2. The rest of Europe thinks Africa begins at the Pyrenees.
3. You get your beaches invaded by Germans, Danes, Brits, etc.
4. The rest of your country is already invaded by Moroccans.
5. Everybody else makes crap paella and claims it's the real thing.
6. Honesty.
7. Only sure way of bedding a woman is to dress up in stupid, tight clothes and risk your life in front of bulls.
8. You get to eat bull's testicles.
9. Gibraltar.
10. Supported Argentina in Falklands War.
1. It beats being an American.
2. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
3. You can play ice hockey 12 months a year, outdoors.
4. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
5. Where else can you travel 1000 miles over fresh water in a canoe.
6. A political leader can admit to smoking pot and his/her popularity ratings soar.
7. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
8. Kill Grizzly bears with huge shotguns and cover your house in their skins.
9. Own-an-Eskimo scheme.
10. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.